IBM - Idiotic Bloody Machines

Good day everyone!

It is me, your long lost blogging friend. Still checking my blog every now and then? Well your patience and perseverance have paid off! Today, I return with a new post! And what compelled me to write a new post?... My new company laptop.

A couple of weeks ago, I was told that I would be getting a new laptop for work. Well it was about bloody time I say! My current laptop is a piece of shit. I've actually adopted a routine that revolves around this oldy moldy laptop. When I reach the office in the morning, I will press the power button to boot it up.

Then I go take a walk around the airport just to make sure that my operations are running smoothly.

Then I go get some breakfast.

Then I read the newspaper.

Then I go to the toilet to offload the remains of my digested breakfast.

Then I sweep the floor.

Then I clean the windows.

Then I ponder and work on my astrophysics mathematical equation that will unravel the mysteries of the universe.

Then I twiddle my thumbs for a bit.

AND THEN! Tada! The laptop will chime to say it is ready for me to log in with my username and password. Of course, by then I only have 10 mins left before I knock off from work so I will rush through my emails and finish up with whatever I can do.

So it comes as no surprise that I was pretty pleased that I would finally get a new machine so that I can chuck my current laptop into the pits of technology hell. Goodbye you stinking piece of poo.


Fast forward to 6 weeks later, a guy from UPS knocks at my office door and delivers a box with "Lenovo Thinkpad" splashed all over it. Good lord, a lenovo thinkpad? Thats exactly what the old computer was. Essentially, it was the same old IBM Thinkpad with a new name. I looked at the specs at the side of the box.

- Intel core i3 processor: Core i3?? Isn't intel rocking the core i7 chips now? What is this i3 shit?
- 2 GB memory: 2 GB?? Hey, my computer had 2 GB of RAM too.....8 years ago.
-Windows 7 professional: Goodness, they might as well install a virus that would cause the computer to self destruct once you turn it on.

An engineer was soon sent to my office to setup the new laptop. He installed all the software I required for my work and migrated my email data. Once it was done, he handed the black laptop to me and said it was ready for use. Immediately, I ran into trouble.

My email wouldn't work! All the important info and work that I needed to do were in there and it just refused to work! Instead, I was bludgeoned with error messages that I could not understand! Was it telling me that my email was setup wrongly? Was it telling me that there were corrupted files? Was it telling me that it could not detect the correct network settings? In the end, I concluded that all the gibberish that was flashing before my eyes loosely translated to "only morons will have lotus notes installed on windows 7 in a thinkpad". In fact, those 3 things on their own can be considered catastrophic. Why would you mix 3 poisons together to make an even bigger disaster??

I wanted to print out the error messages to show the technical help desk but of course, I did not have "administrative privileges" to install the printer so I had to get technical help for that too. Clicking on the "control panel" to make adjustments to the settings in the computer only made the hourglass icon spin for an eternity before anything happened. Even a snail crawling backwards from Spain to Germany would get there faster.

To cut a long story short, I spent the next 2 days over the phone with my company's IT department's helpdesk trying to get everything sorted out. Not really the technological advancement I was hoping for. In the end, I'm still stuck with rubbish that does not make my life or work easier at all. Phooey.

I sincerely hope that you guys are not facing the same crap as I am. Of course, if you're using a mac, you'll be reading this post and chuckling to yourself before moving on to do other stuff on your computer effectively and without any problems. For the rest who are using windows, your computer probably hung or flashed some error message before you even got to the end of this post.

Mountain views, wild boar for lunch and a waterfall

Howdy! Como Esta?

The Sunday that just passed was pretty interesting and eventful for me. It all began with an invitation from the company lawyer to go to his holiday home up in Montseny, a mountain just north of Barcelona city. Its wild boar season in Barcelona now you see, and there's this great restaurant in Montseny that is famous for hunting wild boar, aging the meat for 2 weeks and then cooking up a mean stew with it. Fresh mountain air and wild boar stew! How could I say no?

So along with my colleague Terence, we made the one hour drive to Montseny and up to the little mountain village. The booking at the restaurant was for 1:30pm and we reached there at about a quarter past one. Before heading to the restaurant, we took in the view from John’s holiday home in the mountain.

We left John’s apartment and strolled down the little lanes of the village towards the town square. It's a quaint little Spanish mountain town. It has it's own baker, butcher, wine cellar, little grocery store and 5 restaurants. It's all little cobbled lanes and there was a little area with a sunday market going on. Very rustic!
1:30pm. We went into the restaurant and took our seats. Good thing we had a reservation coz the restaurant was small and cosy but very crowded! There was also a long line of people queueing up. You can tell that this was the right place for wild boar coz there were wild boar heads all over the place!! Can you see them? They look pretty fierce and not very happy. I guess they keep the big ones as trophies. John and his wife proceeded to order the food. They ordered salad with cold cuts, snails (yummy!!!), wild mushrooms in garlic butter and charcoal roasted bread for starters. After that we had the wild boar stew. I was so stuffed after the lunch. And the lunch lasted 2 hours plus coz everyone ate slowly and talked a lot! The European way of eating and the asian way is very different. They really eat slowly, talk a lot and sip their wine. I think we should adopt that habit. I think we eat too fast. Ok maybe this advice is more for me.

After the really full and satisfying meal, and a lot of talking about lots of random stuff, we went for a walk around the area. There are little trails all over the mountain that you can have nice walks in. There are also random springs that you can drink from! Like natural springs trickling down the rock and you just drink from it! Better than evian I reckon coz there's no weird mineral taste in the water. After about 40 mins, we finished our walk and headed back to John’s apartment for tea and coffee. It was quite nice and refreshing to have a walk with fresh mountain air after so much food.

After getting back to John’s apartment, we all sat down and chatted a bit more while John’s wife made the tea and coffee. John and Terence were talking about politics in Spain, Singapore and Malaysia. I was feeling a bit sleepy and just spaced out for a bit. Politics wasn't really my thing. In fact, being up in a mountain, I started to daydream about swooshing around on my snowboard in white powder snow, feeling the cold wind rush by, the snow spray whenever I slice through the snow to change directions. Suddenly, there was a loud bang like an explosion from the kitchen!! I was jolted from my daydream (which ended with a volcano eruption thanks to the bang). We all rushed in and almost immediately there was water everywhere!! The water pipe in the heater unit had burst and there was water gushing everywhere! At the same time, the electricity went out and as the sun was already setting, the whole apartment was very dark. Everyone was shocked and John was frantic. The apartment was getting seriously flooded! While John’s wife was frantically calling for help on the phone, John, Terence and I were trying to contain the water by mopping the floor and throwing towels around and trying to catch the gushing water in pails and bailing them in the sink. My snowboarding thoughts were somehow replaced by one of me surfing the waves in summer now. Bizarre how my brain can still daydream in the midst of a crisis. Anyway, water was flooding the whole apartment! We were ankle deep in water! It was such a sudden and shocking event! We were probably at it for a good 20 mins before someone finally showed up and turned off the mains that was outside the building!

Gosh. It was a bit funny but I felt so sorry for John. He was also feeling bad and kept apologising to me and Terence and thanked us for the help. Some of the neighbors also showed up to help mop up the water. Finally, when the situation was under control, we left at around 730pm. I got home at around 840pm and finally took off my shoes and socks that were soaked. Despite the mad end to the day, I quite enjoyed my day trip. I'll just remember to wear rubber boots and a raincoat the next time John invites me up to his holiday home again. Phew.

Garfield buddy boy

Hola everyone!

So you thought I've forgotten about Garfield? NO! Till today, I am very pleased with myself for saving him from being a wandering stray in Saudi Arabia. He's now a well loved, albeit spoilt cat in Singapore. To see how he's doing, check out Celine's post about him in her blog! Garfield's Bath



Isn't he just the cutest?

Adios Amigos!

Hello everyone!

Today's post is dedicated to the guys whom I worked with in Jeddah. I've worked with many people in my life, but none are quite like this bunch. They came from all walks of life, all sorts of backgrounds. Whether they were victims of circumstance, or just plain adventurous, they all came to make a living.

No where else have I seen a collection of Arabs, Pakistanis, Indians, Sri Lankans, Bangladeshis, Filipinos, Yemeni etc etc working together harmoniously towards a common goal. Ok, harmonious would be really stretching it. More often then not, it was like a cacophonous riot than a melodious harmony. However, we were still a team.

Yes it was a tough and challenging experience for me in Jeddah, and sometimes these guys contributed to the hardships I faced. However, its also these same guys that helped me get through it. I sincerely believe that they were genuinely trying their best despite having daunting limitations due to the infrastructure, the imbecilic authorities or even their personal problems. The fact that they were also in a foreign land, trying to make sense of the madness is not lost on me.

At the end of the day, they came through. Every now and then, they would infuriate me. But they also made me laugh, helped me when I was in need of it and respected me as the manager of the team. I won't forget that. Thanks for the rock and roll amigos!

The "Eh!?!?" Team

The JEDSQ airport team and my successor

The last time I go through this boarding gate

Uno Big Mac Menu por favor

Hola!

Not bad eh? I can ask for a big mac meal in Spanish! I will not go hungry in Spain!! Or will I?

It all began one sunny afternoon on my second last day in Jeddah. After two years in Saudi Arabia, I managed to accumulate about eight thousand Saudi riyals in cash. With the money tucked neatly into an inconspicuous unlabeled envelope, I asked one of my colleagues to bring me to a money changer in town.

So after bargaining for a good rate and handing over the Riyals in exchange for Euros, I received three crisp 500€ notes, one pristine 100€ note and three 20€ notes. Brilliant!

Fast forward to a week ago. After being in Barcelona for about 2 weeks, my 100€ note and 20€ notes have been used. I was left with the three 500€ notes that I kept in the special compartment in my wallet, always kept safely and close to me as pick pocketing is rampant in Spain. I was hungry. It was lunch time. So what did I do? I popped over to the MacDonalds near my house and keen to order a big mac meal like a local, I said chirpily, " Uno big mac menu por favor? ". That just means one big mac meal please. The girl behind the counter replied with a barrage of Spanish that made no sense to me at all! I was dumbfounded. "UH...."

She then proceeded to point at the options for the meal. Did I want special waffle fries? Or just the normal french fries? Did I want a softdrink, wine or beer? ( Yes you can choose wine or beer for the drink in your meal for the same price!!! Is that fantastic or what?? ) So I nodded like a retard and my patata fritas (french fries) and coca cola ( coca cola ) were keyed in to go along with my big mac. And the damage? 6.15€. Sure thing! So I whipped out my wallet from my super secure storage compartment of my bag and handed over the first of my 500€ notes.

The girl behind the counter froze. She looked like I was trying to rob her. Funny thing was, I wasn't. I was trying to give her money. Not ask for money. Maybe they pay in a different way here in Spain. "No no no no (enter rapid spanish gibberish mambo jambo here)" I didn't have a clue what she was saying. But I had an inkling that it had something to do with my 500€ note. Maybe she didn't have change? At that moment, the manager came out and spoke to me in broken English. She informed me that they were not allowed to take such big notes as 1. they did not have change and 2. they had no way to verify if it was a genuine note.

I was hungry. I had 1500€ in my wallet. But no one would sell me something to eat. Bemused, I left MacDonalds and went home to eat a muesli bar and some fruit.

Going to work the next day, I recounted my experience to my colleagues and they laughed. Apparently, the 500€ is so rare that people rarely see it in day to day transactions. Furthermore, no places would accept this note unless they were selling big ticket items. Such places would usually have some kind of device to check the authenticity of the note. On hind sight, if it were in Singapore, what I did would be like going to MacDonalds for a big mac meal and handing the cashier a 1000 dollar note. Probably wouldn't work back home too huh? Eventually, I went to a bank in the airport and broke the 500€ note into 100s and 50s. I had my big mac meal after that.

Hola! Como ¿Estas?

Hello everyone!

Yes! I have landed in Barcelona! Ok, I actually landed three weeks ago but its been a crazy three weeks for me. I would've preferred to give you all an update sooner but I've been so busy with work and settling in that I could only really sit down and bang out a blog entry now.

So! Is Barcelona an improvement over Jeddah? CLARO. ( "Claro" means "of course" in Spanish ) Life here is good. The city is beautiful. The people are nice. The scenery is good. The air is fresh. The colors are vibrant. The weather is fantastic. There is a whole section in the supermarket devoted to hams/sausages/bacon. There are women walking around instead of ninjas. I can have a beer with my iberian ham during dinner. Driving is no longer a gamble with the grim reaper. You catch my drift? Life here, is life.

However, not everything is smooth sailing and cheery though. As with life, there will always be issues. I MUST learn how to speak Spanish! Everyone here speaks Spanish ( ahem, you are in Spain Einsten...). I'm facing difficulties with even the most mundane tasks! For example, ordering a big mac meal at MacDonalds or shopping at the supermarket! I'll have to get this sorted soon though coz I cannot imagine trying to explore the place without a basic command of the language.

Also, my apartment isn't really what I expected. Let's just say that this isn't a place I'd willingly rent for myself. I would give you a tour of the place as I did when I first got to Jeddah but then there are 2 rooms that are filled with boxes right now so I will wait for that to be cleared before I take some photos and introduce the apartment to you. However, I am looking to move so maybe you won't get to see this place after all. It all depends on how long it'll take for my resident's permit to be approved. Can't rent a new place without one. Shit. Hmmm, I have to go find out how to say shit in Spanish. My iPhone's Spanish dictionary doesn't list it. Hmph.

Other than that, work has been driving me bonkers. Within a week of my arrival, I had to deal with French air traffic controller strikes and even a Spanish General Strike! Hours and hours of stress and planning. But, by the grace of God, I managed to get through it all. There's still a heap of challenges in store for me but I know that I'll get through it. I always do.

Right, I'll wrap up for now but I will update soon on my adventures in Barcelona! Enjoy your weekend everyone!

Next Chapter

Hola!

YES! The day that I have been looking forward to since 1 year, 11 months and 24 days ago is finally around the corner. In fact, its so close I can almost smell it. Smells like, wet grass after an afternoon shower. Smells like the morning dew with a glazing of sunrise. Smells like the ocean spray as the waves crash against the rocks. Smells like eggs benedict and a giant glass of mango juice from Panette's. Smells like pesticide.....oh no wait, that's not right. That's just how my house smells now coz the fumigator fella just walked past the porch while blasting the whole place with pest killing white smoke. Now where was I?

Ah right, the bliss of finally being able to leave this place for good. Is it really that bad you ask? No, of course not. This place would be brilliant if you love sand in your underwear, bad smelling people and ultimate frustration. I'd highly recommend it if you enjoy living life to the absolute minimum. No booze, no women, no vice and no entertainment. Every abstaining celibate's wet dream. Here, you can experience total zen and attain a state of nirvana. Of course you don't want to go out and tell anyone that you've attained nirvana or even mention the word "nirvana" coz you'd be stoned to death or beheaded just for mentioning a different religion.

Looking back, I'm pretty amazed at myself for being able to last that long here. Hope is a powerful thing. People used to tell me rubbish like, "oh don't worry, this posting will only be 1 year plus." So after a year, I began wondering when I'd be released. What I wasn't told was that it was gonna be 1 year plus 12 months. Its like running a marathon. You just keep at it till you see the finish line. You might be suffering, in pain and out of breath but you just keep running. Sooner or later, you'll get there.

I did learn a lot from my time here. Not just about the job but also about life. I have a renewed understanding and appreciation for all the blessings I have in my life. Funny how so many people I know are complaining about how crap and shitty their situations are, when they barely even skim the surface of what true misery is. They really need to open their eyes and see beyond their shallow shell of a comfort zone. But I shan't rant about that here. This post is a happy one. This post marks the end of one chapter in my life, and the beginning of another.

Time to move on. This has definitely been a once in a lifetime experience. And once is enough. Ciao~

May the force, find you a new job

Have you guys ever seen an aircraft marshaler? You know, the fella standing in front of an aircraft on the tarmac, in his day-glo vest and holding two tiny light sabers? He'll be waving the light sabers around to direct the aircraft in to the parking bay. Well, maybe some of you might not have seen such a person before coz in most places, the airports are modern and they have cool high-tech guiding systems to guide the pilots in to park their aircraft. However, the current airport I'm working in was built around the time when man first discovered fire so its pretty much a stoner. Thus my little JEDi aircraft marshaler buddy still has to do his thing in order for the pilots to park here.

Today was no exception. Once the aircraft landed, the JEDi master - let's call him Muthu SkiveWanker, positioned himself with his light sabers. He was all set to guide the aircraft in with the force. The force of pre determined, orchestrated movements of his arms that will tell the pilots when to turn, go straight and finally stop. What a responsibility! And for that few moments, everything depended on him.

So with his flapping arms and swooping gestures illuminated by his 2 red light sabers, it was like watching a weed monkey waving around 2 glowing fire bananas. But today, Muthu SkiveWanker might've been doing his dance a little too enthusiastically. I watched, half in horror and half bemused as one of his light sabers slipped and flew out of his hands! The JEDi master lunged for his fallen light stick but instead of picking it up, his hand grabbed at air as his left foot kicked the light stick further away! But SkiveWanker would not be fazed by this little setback. With a tight roll on the ground, he picked up the light saber and was quick to get back on his feet.

But alas, the recovered light saber seemed to have lost its power! It was no longer illuminated, but not to worry coz the force was strong in this one. As any JEDi master would, Muthu started banging the dead light saber against the palm of his other hand. You know how you always bang the end of a torchlight with weak batteries to try to knock some life into it? He was doing exactly that. Now bearing in mind that his other hand was still holding the second illuminated light stick, I could only imagine what the cockpit crew were seeing from their point of view and what signals and instructions were they receiving? The crazy waves and zig zagging of light from SkiveWanker's actions might've told them to push to full throttle and perform a wheelie, before ending off with a 360 degree doughnut drift into the parking spot. That would've been spectacular, but I'm glad they didn't do it.

So back to Muthu SkiveWanker. He did manage to bring the light saber back to life and quickly returned to his original position to guide the waiting aircraft in. No worries. Just another day in the life of a JEDi.

She said Yes!

Greetings Y'all!

Now, some of you might already know, I am ENGAGED! No, not in the way where you can't get me on the telephone. Engaged in the way where the love of my life has agreed to marry me! Woooo, marriage. Such a big, grown up word. Shocking how time flies and I have reached the point where I decide to spend the rest of my life with someone special.

The relationship has been fantastic and I knew it was time to take it up a notch. So some time back, I decided that I was gonna propose. However, as with any proposal, I had to go get a nice shiny rock first. Which makes me wonder, who the hell started this tradition of proposing with a diamond anyway? I sure would like to meet him to discuss this trend in a boxing ring.

Anyway traditions aside, I looked around and had my eyes glittered to the point where everything I saw had a fuzzy shimmer. People, cars, birds, the bird shit on my car - all shimmering. But I did find the right stone. Looking at it through a loupe was like being transported into a kaleidoscope of brilliant colors from dispersed light, trapped in crystal. Of course this was no mere crystal, it was a diamond. A precious stoned formed by immense pressure over a long period of time, consisting of a clear and colorless crystalline of pure carbon. The hardest naturally occurring substance in the world. Although, with the astronomical price of the diamond, I wondered if it was even from this world. "You sure its not some alien carbon from Jupiter?" I asked as I handed over my money. Ka-Ching!

Well, I got the diamond set and then kept it nicely in my safe for a while. Then on Celine's birthday, it hit me! It was like an angel was whispering into my ear. Actually it was Garfield meowing at me to feed him even though it wasn't his meal time, but somewhere in my heart, I felt that it was time to propose.

And so after dinner, we went back to her place and just when she was resting her eyes, I whipped out the ring and popped the question. Celine went from droopy eyed sleepy head to wide awake dinner plate eyes. The look of shock and surprise told me that I had caught her off guard. She got over it quickly and ecstatically shouted YES! We must've hugged and laughed for at least 27 mins before she scampered off to tell her family the news. Garfield looked at her ring and then meowed for food. Obviously not a fan of sparkly things.

So that's it. I am engaged to Celine and this is my happy ever after. Just wanted to share this happy moment with you people who read my blog and I hope that sometime soon, I'll be posting pictures of the wedding! So stay tuned, take care and God bless!

Rotten apple

Ok, I know that lots of people know me to be a huge advocate for apple and the mac, but I'm gonna go ahead and say this. The iPhone sucks. Big time. Apple has made a rotten piece of shit. What the hell were they thinking?

Now before the millions of you out there who are loving your iPhones start spitting and hissing at me, I have to say that I love my iPhone too. But I am just so sorely disappointed and frustrated at it! Its a love/hate relationship and apple should really get a big knock on their heads for screwing this one up. Apple has always come up with great, user-friendly and well thought out products so I wonder why they couldn't do the same with the iPhone.

Let me just state for the record that the iPhone is a fantastic piece of hardware and technology. The gorgeous 3.5 inch screen, the amazing multi-touch interface, fantastic crisp sound and the list goes on. Its no wonder its so desirable and has become a huge money making machine for Apple. But why oh why have they screwed up on some basic fundamental features? Simple things that you'd expect to do on your mobile phone has become a chore on the iPhone. Some are even impossible! Let me list out my main gripes.

1) Ringtones. What is up with the ringtones? Why do I have to use the crappy ringtones that come with the iPhone? They suck. I want to use my own ringtones or mp3s! What's the point of having those amazing little speakers on the phone that blast out clear crisp sounds when we are limited to the crap that's loaded in the iphone? Ok, fine, I know we can purchase custom ringtones from iTunes. Why would I want to spend money on ringtones?? Ok, I know I can make my own ringtones from my collection of mp3s, but its a troublesome and tedious process and I AM LIMITED TO 30 seconds for my ringtone?!? So say I have this fantastic tune from coldplay that I want to use as my ringtone. Previously, all I had to do in my sony ericsson was load the mp3 in the phone and then select it as a ring tone. I could listen to the entire song play out as I make the caller wait for me to pick up. Now with the iPhone, I have to choose which 30sec portion of the song is my favorite, convert that 30 second portion into a ringtone and then load it into the iPhone. 30 seconds!! Crap.

2) Alarm. Ok, the alarm gripe is pretty much the same as the ringtone problem. Coz the sounds for the alarm come from the same list as the ringtones. Again, I WANT TO USE MY OWN SOUND FOR MY ALARM!

3) Bluetooth. This technology known as bluetooth is really a marvel. Wireless data transmission. Fantastic. With my sony ericsson, I could use it to zap data (pictures, sounds, contacts etc..) to other phones or to my computer. I could also use it as a remote control if I wanted. And of course it works great for my bluetooth earpiece when I'm driving. With the iPhone, all its bluetooth can do is connect with a bluetooth headset. Nothing else. What the hell? Did apple just put in this amazing cutting edge technology, only to dumb it down to one function?? How stupid is that?

4) Battery life. What good would a smartphone be if it were dead all the time? The battery can barely last a day! How efficient and productive will you be when all you're doing all day is trying to find a power outlet or USB port to charge your iPhone? Scrolling through my contact list....*blip* it dies. Sending an email.....*blip* it dies. Surfing the internet to see where I can buy a new phone that works....*blip* it dies. You get the idea.

5) Data connections. Wow! The iPhone comes with 3G, EDGE and GPRS to ensure that you're always connected for data! Well, what if I DON'T WANT to be connected? What if I don't like paying for unknown usage of data?? when I click on "turn off 3G" it automatically jumps to EDGE or GPRS. Why aren't there options to turn off EDGE and GPRS as well? This sneaky iPhone is always sending and receiving data somehow. Its like some kind of secret spy sending out info about where I am and what I'm doing. I want to be able to shut down the data connections! Again, there are ways. But why can't apple just make it simple?

Now I ask myself, why. Why did I decide to swap away my slim and simple sony ericsson that just works, for this bulky heavy brick that infuriates me? WHY?

The airline from hell

I had the unfortunate predicament of having to take an SV (saudi arabian airlines) flight from Riyadh to Jeddah recently. I won't go into the details of how that came to be, but just know that this short one hour and twenty minute flight was the worst one hour and twenty minutes in my entire flying life.

Let's begin with the check-in at Riyadh airport. I joined the line and when it came to my turn, I gave the check-in agent my passport. "No passport. Domestic flight" grunted the guy behind the counter. Oh! Silly me! My bad. So I proceeded to inform him of my flight number and I gave him my family name (the passport would help to show my details wouldn't it?) "Give me ticket" Ticket?! Wait a minute, its an E-Ticket and as far as I know, E-Tickets are electronically stored in the system and required no physical ticket. Hence the name E-Ticket. I told him it was an E Ticket and therefore I had no ticket to show him. He gave me a frustrated look and waved me aside. I was flabbergasted. Thats it? I'm out? I'm not gonna fly? I hurriedly whipped out my laptop (OH I HATE MY COMPANY LAPTOP AND I HATE WINDOWS), turned it on at the counter and dug out the email that had the E-Ticket confirmation and number in it. With that, the guy finally stopped using his fingers to pick his nose and proceeded to type some entries on the keyboard. Mental note to self - never touch the keyboards at the check-in counters. Finally, the check-in agent handed me a flimsy boarding pass and grunted for the next guy in line to step up.

Right, moving on. I headed to the boarding gates and realised that the boarding gate number was printed in arabic on my boarding pass. Good thing I could read arabic numerals. Not very good for people who don't read arabic huh? "Excuse me, can you tell me what gate my flight is departing from?" asked a chinese guy in a suit. I glanced at his boarding pass and noticed he was on the same flight as me. "gate 36 buddy" I replied. Why would he ask me though? Did I look like I could read arabic?

About 15 minutes later, the flight started boarding at gate 36 and the announcer went on and on in arabic. His announcement must have went on for a good 12 minutes at least. I wonder what he was saying? I hope its not about a delay or something? Finally he grunted "SV1069 now boarding at gate 36." And that was it. Are you sure you're not hiding something from me?

After getting nudged around by saudis rushing to board the aircraft, I found my seat and settled in. The aircraft was configured in a 2-5-2 seating arrangement. Guess which seat I got? The ogre at the check-in counter had put me right smack in the center seat in the center block. Yes, the 3rd seat in the 5 seat section. Bloody punk. Sigh, its just a one hour twenty minute flight, how bad can it be right? That positive thought went up in smoke the moment two obese saudis squeezed in on either side of me. How the hell they fitted their gargantuan asses in the seats eludes me. I was miserable. How the hell do you get so fat in the desert in the first place?

The aircraft shudders and soon we're airborne. Surprisingly enough, the cabin crew roll out the meal carts. I didn't think there'd be a meal service on such a short sector. I wonder what's for supper? "Lamb or fish?" I hear the stewardess call out as she goes row by row handing out trays of food. I thought to myself, hmmm I'll have the fish. Fish has always been the safer choice in my experience. When it came to my row, I was all prepared to say "FISH!" but the stewardess didn't ask me if I wanted lamb or fish, she just handed me a tray. You don't have to be Einstein to know why. They've run out of choices. What luck. I gingerly peeled open the foil and how LUCKY! it was lamb. Argh. Well, not actually lamb as it turns out coz when I bit into it, I realised that it was really bits of rubber tyre from a cement mixer truck. Eating the rice that accompanied the rubber was like eating bits of plastic shavings. I decided not to try the peas. On my left and right, Al Obeseo and Gigantor were guzzling the industrial waste of a meal down their throats. Do they even chew? They gave me a horrified look when the stewardess cleared my untouched tray of food. Another stewardess was walking down the other aisle saying "coffee tea?" Although, she wasn't really saying it to anyone. Rather, what she was doing was walking quickly while holding a pot in each hand and saying "coffee tea?" to the space above our heads. Her blank look and hurried steps prevented anyone from getting any coffee or tea. I even saw one passenger waving his cup and trying to grab her arm but to no avail.

Suddenly, the captain comes over the PA system and goes on and on in arabic. No one seemed to be paying attention but then he spoke in English and said, "We are starting our descent into Jeddah" That was music to my ears! The nightmare will be over soon! The cabin crew cleared up all the trays and were soon strapped in for the landing. I nearly wanted to punch my hands in the air and scream Hallelujah when the aircraft touched down on the tarmac and rolled to a stop at the parking bay. I would be out of this shit hole soon!

I disembarked the aircraft and was soon exiting the JED airport. I had made it.

So to conclude, if someone came up to me and said, "Hey Darren, here's a free ticket to go fly on SV!", I would kick that guy in the guts and pound him into the ground. Never. I would rather fall down a flight of steps. Head first. While chewing a mouthful of rusted nails. With durians stuffed under my clothes. And wearing inline skates. Period.

Garfield is in Singapore

I did it! I have successfully orchestrated the migration of our furry little friend, Garfield, to Singapore! Despite all the messy applications and payments and permits, I managed to wrangle everything into place and fly Garfield to Singapore. I have rescued him from being a stray in this shitty place! Unfortunately, poor little Garfield is stuck in quarantine right now. He's gotta do 30 days of time in a little room the size of a toilet cubicle. I hope he'll enjoy living with Celine in Singapore and won't mind the humidity when he gets out.

Well, after a week in Singapore, I'm now back in Jeddah again and suddenly the house here feels so empty and cold without Garfield. I didn't think I would miss him that much but I do! No furball meowing to be fed or rubbing himself against my legs while I blog. No snoozy cat warming my stomach as I watch movies on my computer. I actually miss patting his little fuzzy head as he head butts my hand in acknowledgement.

I hope he's doing alright in his quarantine room. I sure miss him now that I'm back in Jeddah, but I'm glad I've rescued him and will be able to give him a good life from now on. Can't wait to see him again and collect him from the quarantine centre to bring him home. In the mean time, here's what I'm using to bring a little Garfield into my life in Jeddah.

Garfield Vs Vader

Hummmm

Are you a fan of shooting hoops and slam dunks? Does basketball course through your veins and in your blood? Do you dream of bashing through wild roads in a macho muscle 4WD machine to get to your favorite bball court? WELL LOOK NO FURTHER coz cult basketball shoes and apparel maker AND1 has teamed up with Hummer to release the limited edition HUMMER H1AND1!


AND1 needs no introduction as a premier brand for basketball shoes and apparel. Famous for decking out athletes with a particular prowess for basketball finesse, they have gone one step further by collaborating with Hummer's popular 4WD vehicle - the H1, to add some fuel guzzling power and creating the ultimate basketball bling machine - the H1AND1.


Show up in one of these babies at your next match and you can be assured that your opponents will go limp and feverish at the sheer sight of its power. Even your fans will cough and gasp in adoration, as if the wind has been sucked out of their lungs. The cheers and screams that you will receive will definitely cause sore throats later and some fans have even been known to suffer from chills, headaches and fatigue just by being near the H1and1. You'll easily crush your opponents as they collapse with respiratory problems.

If Arnold Schwarzenegger had the H1and1 when filming terminator, he'll be saying "I'll be back......with my H1and1 so prepare to die from respiratory failure and high fever". Potent stuff. So what are you waiting for! Go visit your nearest Hummer dealer today and get some H1and1! *Made in Mexico.

Resident Evil Airport

I could hear my heart pounding in my chest. Did I dare venture out of my office? I knew I had to, it was my responsibility to know what was going on before I could plan my next move. Gingerly, I twisted the door knob and stepped quietly into the corridor, my eyes darting left and right to make sure I was safe.

There was a putrid smell in the air. The walls of the corridor were stained with all sorts of filth imaginable. I looked around in the dimly lit corridor to survey the evidence of the mayhem that was in progress. I took quick short breathes to try to calm myself down but the flickering fluorescent tubes were playing on my nerves. Some parts of the corridor were not even lit. I made my way to the staircase and slowly descended, into what seemed like hell.

The whole terminal was swarming with them. They looked vaguely human. With their hollow eyes and discolored teeth, they drag their scrawny frames along in an uncoordinated and zombie-ish movement. Their slimy, skeletal hands clawing at whatever they can grab on to. But its not the way that these "living-dead" moved that was eerie, it was the sounds. The guttural groans and moans that drone out from them could chill you to the bone. The screams of their victims add to the horror that was being played out right in front of my eyes.

I could not stay there for too long. I had to keep moving fast to prevent them from getting me. I dashed out from the stairwell and made a break for the abandoned cafeteria. I could hide from view for a few seconds behind the counter to decide where I could run to next. "Gak...Groagh!" I narrowly missed getting puked on as I athletically leapt over the counter. The disgusting things will spew crap at you from their mouths in a half cough half vomit motion. Best to stay out of reach from that. I tumbled out from my hiding place and scampered for the entrance to the check-in hall. I could see four to five of the monstrosities crouched over a limp man in uniform. He was slumped over and I could barely make out the immigrations uniform before it was all ripped to bits. Nothing could save that man now. I pressed on.

Carefully avoiding the broken glass and ripped luggage bags with their contents strewn all over, I finally arrived to the checkpoint where the security would normally screen passengers and bags. The area was abandoned and I could see the sparks spewing from the trashed X ray machine. There were bits of organic looking lumps splattered all over, whether they used to be human or not I could not tell. What I did know was that the sterile area was breached. The entire terminal had fallen and I no longer knew if my team or even the security personnel were alive. It was hopeless.

Flinging a metal chair at the moaning zombie crawling towards me on my right, I decided that continuing any further would be pointless. I had to find an alternate solution, but more importantly, I had to stay alive and being out here was not helping me at all. In frustration, I smashed another metal chair on the same zombie's face and jumped over it to head back to the safety of my office. I sprinted all the way back to the staircase and up to my office without looking back.

Slamming the door shut, I was about to topple a heavy shelf at the door to barricade it when the door swung open! Was I too slow? I grabbed the nearest chair and was about to use all my might to fling it at whatever was coming through the door when I saw that it was one of my staff!! He was alive!!!

"Boss, aircraft off chocks at 2045. On time."

Great! All is well then. I then proceeded to pack up my bag to head home after another long day at work.

Sleep like an Egyptian

I always knew Garfield had a royal air about him.

D&G

I've been asked time again, what's living with Garfield like? Well, despite all the little complaints I've been posting in this blog about him, he's actually a very lovable and good natured cat. He's well mannered and he doesn't do nightmarish things as described by other cat owners. He pees and poos where he's supposed to and he's always warming my stomach when I'm watching movies.

In fact, I reckon if there's any complaining to be done, it should be by Garfield about me. I'm always listening to music or watching movies at my computer way past his bed time. All the lights are switched on and the sub woofer is always booming. Hardly a conducive environment to snooze. Poor little Garfield has to endure my noise.




Garfield is also a very smart cat. I just found out the other day that he's been using my mac when I'm out at work! He even created a facebook account for himself. Sneaky fella.



All in all, I'm glad I've got him for company here. He's definitely broken the monotony of life in Jeddah. I hope you guys get to meet Garfield one day. I'm sure you guys will love him too. I'll end off here and leave you with a picture of Garfield and I.

A more useful Garfield

This fatty bom bom Garfield is such a lazy bones! All he does is eat and sleep and lounge around all day!


I've had enough! I decided I'd make him more useful around the house so after some tinkering, I now present to you : Garfield Tissue Box Holder!


He doesn't move around much anymore. Maybe he needed all his insides to work properly huh? hmmmm....

Rained in!

Sometimes, it rains in the desert. Very rare, but it happens. In fact, its just once a year I hear. It rained this morning and if you go back to one of my older blog entries, you'll realise that it was roughly about the same time last year that I experienced rain for the first time in this dust bowl.

This time was slightly different though. Instead of a shower for 30 mins or so, it rained for 4 hours. By this country's standards, thats like rain for 40 days and 40 nights straight. Of course, the brilliant town planners, civil engineers and infrastructure builders had all of this well thought out so naturally everything was flooded. Drainage? What is this thing you call drainage? Insha-allah I go pray. It was a bloody catastrophe.

There was water everywhere! Roads were flooded. Pavements were submerged. I could not even get out of my own driveway! I was rained in. Looking out of my window, you'd think I was living in some luxurious water front villa. No, make that a swamp front slum.



I'd probably need a canoe if I wanted to get out of the house at all. Of course I didn't have a canoe. Who the hell would own a canoe in the middle of a desert? I decided to venture out to have a look to see if there was any hope of the water residing so that I could get to work on time. But before I could even step out of my driveway, I heard a gurgling sound and saw something struggling in the water in front of me. What could it be? I quickly waded over and reached out to grab what looked like a little hand! And goodness I was aghast at what I saw. It was.........crap what do you call them? It was one of those........urmmmm......It was an arab child. *shudder* I cannot believe I actually touched it. Plonk! I dropped it back and returned to my house to wash my hands.

broken teacup

Noooooooooo! I broke my teacup! My nice, so simple its cool teacup! This is a catastrophe!!! Sigh....

Ok so its just a teacup. But I hate it when I break something that makes me happy. I love tea and drinking tea from that teacup makes me happy. Some of you might know it. Its the clear glass mug from muji. It slipped from my soapy hands while I was doing the dishes and in slo mo I watched it fall from my hands to the bottom of the sink. It wasn't even a great height but it was enough. With a sickening clang I saw crack lines appear all over the side of the mug. My shrill scream might've caused a few more cracks but it was a goner anyway.

Sickening. Why did they make the glass so brittle anyway? It must be a ploy to get us, gullible consumers, to keep going back to buy more. This is the second one I've owned that's broken by the way. The first one was broken by my housekeeper. You know what I think? They should make 'em with bullet proof glass. Yes! The kind that is used for the car windows on the vehicles of various leaders around the world. Now that would be a good cup.

I could enjoy my tea right in the middle of a gun battle and not worry that my cup would shatter! badabada bang! KA-PWING! KA-PWING! *sips tea* HA! Eat that osama!

Of course, why anyone would choose to sit in the middle of a gun fight sipping tea is beyond me. But thats besides the point. I am vexed at the loss of my teacup. Now I've gotta wait to return to Singapore before I can make my way to Muji to buy another. Maybe I should bubble wrap my next one before I use it. Brilliant.