The airline from hell

I had the unfortunate predicament of having to take an SV (saudi arabian airlines) flight from Riyadh to Jeddah recently. I won't go into the details of how that came to be, but just know that this short one hour and twenty minute flight was the worst one hour and twenty minutes in my entire flying life.

Let's begin with the check-in at Riyadh airport. I joined the line and when it came to my turn, I gave the check-in agent my passport. "No passport. Domestic flight" grunted the guy behind the counter. Oh! Silly me! My bad. So I proceeded to inform him of my flight number and I gave him my family name (the passport would help to show my details wouldn't it?) "Give me ticket" Ticket?! Wait a minute, its an E-Ticket and as far as I know, E-Tickets are electronically stored in the system and required no physical ticket. Hence the name E-Ticket. I told him it was an E Ticket and therefore I had no ticket to show him. He gave me a frustrated look and waved me aside. I was flabbergasted. Thats it? I'm out? I'm not gonna fly? I hurriedly whipped out my laptop (OH I HATE MY COMPANY LAPTOP AND I HATE WINDOWS), turned it on at the counter and dug out the email that had the E-Ticket confirmation and number in it. With that, the guy finally stopped using his fingers to pick his nose and proceeded to type some entries on the keyboard. Mental note to self - never touch the keyboards at the check-in counters. Finally, the check-in agent handed me a flimsy boarding pass and grunted for the next guy in line to step up.

Right, moving on. I headed to the boarding gates and realised that the boarding gate number was printed in arabic on my boarding pass. Good thing I could read arabic numerals. Not very good for people who don't read arabic huh? "Excuse me, can you tell me what gate my flight is departing from?" asked a chinese guy in a suit. I glanced at his boarding pass and noticed he was on the same flight as me. "gate 36 buddy" I replied. Why would he ask me though? Did I look like I could read arabic?

About 15 minutes later, the flight started boarding at gate 36 and the announcer went on and on in arabic. His announcement must have went on for a good 12 minutes at least. I wonder what he was saying? I hope its not about a delay or something? Finally he grunted "SV1069 now boarding at gate 36." And that was it. Are you sure you're not hiding something from me?

After getting nudged around by saudis rushing to board the aircraft, I found my seat and settled in. The aircraft was configured in a 2-5-2 seating arrangement. Guess which seat I got? The ogre at the check-in counter had put me right smack in the center seat in the center block. Yes, the 3rd seat in the 5 seat section. Bloody punk. Sigh, its just a one hour twenty minute flight, how bad can it be right? That positive thought went up in smoke the moment two obese saudis squeezed in on either side of me. How the hell they fitted their gargantuan asses in the seats eludes me. I was miserable. How the hell do you get so fat in the desert in the first place?

The aircraft shudders and soon we're airborne. Surprisingly enough, the cabin crew roll out the meal carts. I didn't think there'd be a meal service on such a short sector. I wonder what's for supper? "Lamb or fish?" I hear the stewardess call out as she goes row by row handing out trays of food. I thought to myself, hmmm I'll have the fish. Fish has always been the safer choice in my experience. When it came to my row, I was all prepared to say "FISH!" but the stewardess didn't ask me if I wanted lamb or fish, she just handed me a tray. You don't have to be Einstein to know why. They've run out of choices. What luck. I gingerly peeled open the foil and how LUCKY! it was lamb. Argh. Well, not actually lamb as it turns out coz when I bit into it, I realised that it was really bits of rubber tyre from a cement mixer truck. Eating the rice that accompanied the rubber was like eating bits of plastic shavings. I decided not to try the peas. On my left and right, Al Obeseo and Gigantor were guzzling the industrial waste of a meal down their throats. Do they even chew? They gave me a horrified look when the stewardess cleared my untouched tray of food. Another stewardess was walking down the other aisle saying "coffee tea?" Although, she wasn't really saying it to anyone. Rather, what she was doing was walking quickly while holding a pot in each hand and saying "coffee tea?" to the space above our heads. Her blank look and hurried steps prevented anyone from getting any coffee or tea. I even saw one passenger waving his cup and trying to grab her arm but to no avail.

Suddenly, the captain comes over the PA system and goes on and on in arabic. No one seemed to be paying attention but then he spoke in English and said, "We are starting our descent into Jeddah" That was music to my ears! The nightmare will be over soon! The cabin crew cleared up all the trays and were soon strapped in for the landing. I nearly wanted to punch my hands in the air and scream Hallelujah when the aircraft touched down on the tarmac and rolled to a stop at the parking bay. I would be out of this shit hole soon!

I disembarked the aircraft and was soon exiting the JED airport. I had made it.

So to conclude, if someone came up to me and said, "Hey Darren, here's a free ticket to go fly on SV!", I would kick that guy in the guts and pound him into the ground. Never. I would rather fall down a flight of steps. Head first. While chewing a mouthful of rusted nails. With durians stuffed under my clothes. And wearing inline skates. Period.